Trading Places was on TV the other day and had to be watched. It is, after all, one of the top five comedy movies of all time.
It’s a great movie with a ton of quotable lines (I still say ‘Merry New Year!’ each year) but this one-worder, delivered by the outstanding Denholm Elliott, is probably my favourite.
And there it is on Youtube already. This is the best time to be alive!
When it comes to John Carpenter’s criminally-underrated Prince of Darkness (1987), the whole movie’s pretty bleak. You’d think we’d be desensitised to a horror movie we’ve seen several times but no, Prince of Darkness is fucking terrifying.
Bleak.
The story about a group of scientists being possessed and murdered all in the name of the anti-matter God (ie: the Devil, ignore the sketchy science) in a creepy delapidated church is set up for all sorts of moody deaths and while Carpenter mixes it up with deaths by bike, nun, bugs and hobos (our four least favourite things), it’s the death of Calder, played by Jessie Lawrence Ferguson that is perhaps the hardest to watch.
After getting trapped by two possessed female colleagues (one of whom is mental as fuck and typing ‘I LIVE! I LIVE!’ into her computer), he ends up with one of them on top of him spewing demonic goo directly into his gob (this particular version of the Prince of Darkness’ favourite possession technique). Instead of going on a kill-crazy rampage like everyone else who gets possessed, he instead wanders up the stairs simultaneously crying, laughing and singing Amazing Grace before taking a piece of wood and ripping out his own throat with it.
He also makes a comeback, finding himself resurrected and looking in a mirror while continuing to cry. Bad times.
Many people will have Scrooged down to watch as part of their regular Christmas routine. I should be one of those people but every year I forget to watch it or am otherwise indisposed and then the moment is over. After Christmas, if I’m in need of a Bill Murray fix I go to Ghostbusters or the mighty Groundhog Day.
So, yesterday I actively made a point of watching Scrooged again for the first time since Ms Spurrier put the film on in high school for us back in 1990 and my irritating mate Stu ruined it by laughing at literally everything. He repeated the same trick with T2 a few years later, despite T2 having like two mildly funny moments.
You know you want to watch this movie immediately.
Anyway. Scrooged still delivers. It is, of course, a reimagining of the classic ‘A Christmas Carol’ and a blatant Bill Murray vehicle. That’s okay though, back in the ’80s Bill Murray was so unfuckwittable that films that were 99% about him looking deadpan were completely acceptable.
Bill plays Frank Cross, a cynical TV executive who is just a empty-hearted suit with a baffling hairdo. After setting up the first part of the film by showing him being a heartless humbugging monster, we get into the ghostly visitations part of the story as the ghosts of christmas past, present and future help Frank take a good, long look at himself.
The insane hair of Bill Murray.
The ghosts themselves are fantastic with David Johansen, the craggy-faced singer for The New York Dolls, putting in an amazing turn as the Ghost of Christmas Past and a hectic Carol Kane doing a fine job as his Present counterpart. The non-speaking, kind of terrifying Ghost of Christmas Future has his moments too and while the story isn’t going to throw any twists at you if you know the story, it’s still a perfect Christmas family movie.
The ending is odd and echoes that of Stripes in that it has Bill doing that odd singing thing that he occasionally does. It probably worked a lot better in a cinema full of whooping Americans but it’s still good fun to see. Not sure you’d get away with such silliness now but Bill Murray can do exactly what the fuck he wants. Them’s the rules.
Joking about the current lack of sci-fi toys promised in old movies such as jet packs is something that comes up every time someone fakes the destination date from Back to the Future on Twitter, but there’s something quite miraculous about the fact that many of you are reading this on a handheld device that lets you communicate with anyone in the world, access most of the sum of human knowledge and will let you order a pizza and then, for reasons unknown, photograph it and share that for all the world to see.
This is brought into sharp focus when you watch a film like WarGames which in 1983 was looking at the cutting edge of technology and now looks like a byproduct from the Industrial Revolution. Back in the ’80s anything ‘tech’ was in and it was beguiling. Films like Tron fantasised about what it was like to be in a computer and things like Weird Science even imagined being able to create a Kelly LeBrock with something that would make a current wristwatch look like alien technology.
Tech as heck, son!
In WarGames a young Matthew Broderick is cast as David, a young hacker, who accidentally gets a computer to start a countdown to nuclear armageddon. This is all made possible when he guesses its password, Joshua, which is the name of its programmer’s son. Aside from that quaint little touch, the fact that hacking into NORAD would now get you locked away in Camp Waterboarding for the rest of your life whereas here it gets him affectionately rubbed on the head makes you pine for these simpler Cold War days.
The ’80s. When you could hack into military hardware using a typewriter sellotaped to a Vectrex.
WarGames is no ’80s B-movie. The NORAD set is impressive (and it should be given that it cost a cool million back when a million was an unfathomably large sum of money to spend on boxes with flashing lights on them), the story entertaining and the acting performances are spot on. Broderick is in less smug form than usual but still manages to make hacking seem cool. This is aided by him getting to hang out with Jennifer, ably played by the fantastic Ally Sheedy.
What the end of the world looked like back in the ’80s.
The film’s end sequence is undeniably stupid and makes leaps of faith that don’t help the tension that the film is trying to build up but overthinking WarGames is a mistake you don’t want to make. It’s a charming film that’s put together well enough that it was nominated for a handful of Oscars and was as enjoyable today as it was back in the ’80s.
Lightning certainly did strike twice on Saturday. Firstly, we watched Waxwork for the first time and loved it. So, we decided to finally tick another cult classic off of our list with From Beyond.
The worry with watching an ’80s classic for the first time is that you won’t get the same impact as people who watched it back then. We often wonder how, for example, The Thing would be regarded by young people now and then we think ‘fuck them’ because we don’t care. Luckily, From Beyond is a great film that mixes classic ’80s aesthetics with some legit bodyshock horror.
The plot, apparently based on a H.P. Lovecraft short story, sees two physicists experimenting on the pineal gland in an attic and accidentally opening up a gateway to another dimension. One of them dies (thanks to a trans-dimensional worm thing eating his fucking head) and the other, Crawford Tillinghast (played by the ever-intense Jeffrey Combs of Re-Animator fame) ends up a nervous wreck in an institution. He is then coerced into recreating the experiment by the morally-ambiguous Dr. Katherine McMichaels and so they return to the house, this time protected by a Detective Bubba Brownlee, who is some sort of ex-American footballer.
Om nom nom!
Anyway, the experiment is a success and that’s when everything starts to go wrong. Crawford goes back to his jumpy self, Bubba is pissed off because weird bitey shit in getting up in his face from another dimension and Katherine ends up addicted to having her pineal gland stimulated and ends up turning into some sort of pineal crack whore.
In the meantime, Dr. Edward Pretorius (Crawford’s former partner in the original experiment) has morphed into some sort of super-powered sex pest who likes to women’s heads and he manages to break through into our realm, while resembling the final form of The Thing. Eventually, they end up somewhat worse for wear outside the house. To the film’s credit the finale ramps up both the scares and the shocks and even throws in a sure-fire future addition to our Worrying Bleak Deaths of the ’80s series.
Oh God… it’s a terrifying mutant Savile from another realm!
From Beyond really wasn’t what we were expecting. The title suggests a sci-fi space horror but this is more in line with films like Flatliners and the spectacular practical effects and insane plot really do elevate it from the usual genre stereotypes.
The use of neon colours gives the film such a great ’80s feel but the gruesomeness puts it on another level, even if it’s the kind of thing that’d make a modern cinema audience giggle like seated cunts at. If you respect your horror movies though, this is actually pretty scary.
Of course this means we have to go back to the Re-Animator films now. It’s been a looooong time.
As far as random Netflix horror picks on a lazy Saturday afternoon go, Waxwork really is a hidden gem. Sure, the ‘waxwork exhibition comes to life and starts kicking off’ angle had been done before and has been since, but Waxwork is such a well-presented, varied film that it could almost feature in our world-not-famous Portmanteau-a-go-go section.
The film revolves around a gang of college kids who get an invitation to a private showing of a new waxworks from its creepy proprietor (played by a very familiar David Warner that we most remember as Dr David Necessiter from The Man With Two Brains, a film that needs a good rewatching and soon!). They, rather unwisely, take him up on the offer and go to a midnight showing. Personally, I would have walked away as soon as the FUCKING MIDGET answered the door but that’s just me.
Old dude remembers The Alamo.
They are soon picked off one at a time as the find themselves trapped inside the various worlds magically linked to the exhibits. It starts with Tony getting stuck in a cabin with a werewolf which a fun scene but let down slightly by the fact that only a small handful of movies have ever managed to do werewolves right. His would-be rescuers get one of the gorier scenes as one of them is torn in half by the wolf. Fun stuff.
Tony’s girlfriend, China, flips the otherside of the Twilight coin so to speak and ends up in a vampire castle in another gory but solid scene. The rest of the gang escape but some of them come back and end up in scenes featuring a mummy’s curse, the Marquis De Sade and some pretty good zombies.
A proper vampire with no hair gel in sight.
Overall, the story hangs together well and still looks great with its bright palette and decent special effects reminding me of T8MC favourite Fright Night. Particularly enjoyable is the film’s final battle which pre-dates 2012′s fantastic Cabin in the Woods and does almost as good a job in its own charming way.
Anyone got a bandage?
So, overall Waxwork turned out to be a hugely enjoyable horror romp with good action and comedy and a some creative scenes of horror and gore. A new T8MC favourite? Maybe. Waxwork II: Lost in Time may be even better and apparently features Bruce Campbell, so expect us break our remit and take a look at that early ’90s sequel in the next week or so. We can’t wait!
Terror Train is really odd.
I had a choice. I was either going to watch this (having never seen it before) or go with the tried, tested and thoroughly wonderful Romancing The Stone and have to admit, I was bedazzled by this film’s stupid title.
It turns out that it was a post-Halloween Jamie Lee Curtis vehicle that followed Halloween’s slasher flick template albeit with a few twists and turns.
AGENT!!!!
The set up is predictable enough. There are a bunch of dickhead high school kids led by Doc (played by the same chap who was Harry the terrible negotiator in Die Hard) who pull a very nasty prank on Kenny, your standard slow kid. They trick him into thinking he’s about to sleep with Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis) and instead have him kissing a dead body. It’s all very, very standard early ’80s nonsense.
He goes mad (literally) and three years later they all get on a train. In fancy dress. At this point you’re reminded of Trading Places and incredibly sad that you’re watching this instead. Then the killings start.
The killer. Looking fucking dapper!
Terror Train doesn’t go for too much gore, at least during the kills themselves, but is big on suspense. At first it’s alright. The deaths are reasonably creative and the fancy dress element means you’re never sure who’s who.
Then David fucking Copperfield turns up as a smug magician and you fucking hate him because the film becomes an extended magic show for far too long. The focus on all this magic pretty much signposts that magic is involved and before long, Alana is pretty sure he’s the guy. Despite the fact that HE HAS A VERY DIFFERENT FACE NOW AND IS INCREDIBLY ARTICULATE FOR A VERY SLOW GUY.
A bird who swallowed a plate (m’lord).
After nine killings, you find out who the killer is and are left pretty surprised. The ending almost makes the film worth watching despite the incredibly limited set and some very poor acting performances.
Jamie Lee Curtis does an admirable job with the script though and gets through it like a pro but ultimately it’s not a very good film. It’s also pretty far behind Silver Streak when it comes to badass films set on trains. I can’t think of another. Under Siege 2 was bollocks.
The past, as they say, is a foreign country and the while it took TV’s Mad Men to remind us all that the past was a chauvinistic, cigarette smoked haze, the truly striking thing about The Woman in Red is that that world was still alive and kicking in 1986.
The film, a romantic comedy vehicle for the fantastic Gene Wilder, sees him playing Teddy Pierce, a happily married man, leading an uncomplicated life. That is until he sees Charlotte, played by the dizzyingly attractive Kelly Le Brock, the titular woman in red.
You can’t caption Kelly Le Brock.
Now you have to understand, in the mid ’80s, Kelly Le Brock was the most beautiful woman in cinema. Her time in the limelight disappeared all too quickly for our liking but her two co-starring big moments (this and the exceptional Weird Science) remain strong in the memory. So it’s pretty believable that a fifty three year old man would fall for her.
Through the film’s many smokey conversations, Teddy manages to make an enemy of his co-worker, mislead his wife, meet up with Charlotte and have his best friends cover for him in a way that’s so creative and generous, it gives the completely wrong moral message about what cheats they all are.
Kelly Le Brock and Gene Wilder. Sure, he’s like double her age but it’s Gene Wilder. You don’t question Gene Wilder.
Mid ’80s Wilder was a comedy powerhouse though and he’s so effortlessly likeable in this that you can’t help but hope it all works out one way or another. Tonight was the first time I’d watched it since the ’80s and it still stands up, despite a fairly abrupt ending. I need to re-watch more Gene Wilder films now.
Speaking of abrupt endings.
To fulfil our remit of a proper ‘Hey It’s That Guy!’ the actor needs to have been:
Robert Zdarsky; who goes by the name Robert Z’dar for some reason; fulfils all these criteria. Unfortunately on the third point, this seems to have been his focus, quantity over quality. To the extent that you’re unlikely to have seen (m)any of the films in his ouevre. You’ll know him from Stallone/Russell vehicle Tango and Cash, perhaps all three Maniac Cops (the first two featuring Bruce Campbell). At a stretch you’ll have seen him in Beastmaster 2 or bizarre Melanie Griffith film Cherry 2000 (a VHS rental special there). Maybe even Soultaker and Future War due to MST3K.
From this…
But have you seen nor even heard of any of these? Samurai Cop. A Gnome Named Gnorm. American Chinatown? No, not us either.
Robert’s a big guy in both presence and by way of his distinctive profile. Even down to his casting in one film, Tyrone, as a character named Assface. That’s the thing, the older he’s got, the more his cherubism manifests. As you can see.
Anyway, without further ado, we bring you the frankly terrible Maniac Cop 3 as you’ve no doubt already seen the first one that came out in 1988…
Can see things no one else can see.
We love ourselves a John Carpenter film here as you’ve no doubt already gathered, one of our favourites being 1986′s Big Trouble in Little China. Along with another forthcoming HITG in James Hong, one of our favourite characters was Egg Shen, ably played by Victor Wong. As befits a prime candidate for HITG, he’s been in quite a few films, more than you’d realise in fact.
Typecast as: Wizened friendly old Oriental guy with a squint / Chinese grandpa / academic sort
What you’ve probably seen him in: Big Trouble in Little China, The Golden Child (Eddie Murphy vehicle), Prince of Darkness (a lesser known JC film).
What makes him special: He had Bells Palsy which gave him his characteristic squint but he made it part of his schtick. His genial manner lent itself well to the roles he played.
What he’s been in since: Seven Years In Tibet (turgid Brad Pitt stinker), Tremors (worm appetiser), Mystery Date (crappy teen movie notable for James Hong also being in the cast)
He started acting late on in his life, his first film credits not taking place until the early 80s. Before his death in 2001, he appeared in more than thirty movies. One would appear to be as a fighter in Bloodsport, but that has to be another Victor Wong. Although Bolo Yeung was fifty when that was made, but his physical prowess is a bit more impressive than Vic here.
Victor, you were ace and still remain the ultimate Asian wizened HITG!