Portmanteau-a-go-go #29 – Zombthology

Zombthology is a three part horror anthology that was dumped into the genre back in 2008 and has somehow ended up on Amazon Instant Video.  As the name suggests, the focus here is squarely on zombies but also on veteran scream queen Tiffany Shepis who features heavily in the film’s linking story.

Tiffany plays herself as a kidnap victim.  A demented fan has her captured and handcuffed in his basement and inbetween moments of creepiness as he takes a lock of her hair and bites off her earring, he shows her three zombie shorts on VHS.

This is the true horror of the situation because, spoiler alert, these films are absolute shit.  Which is fairly predictable given how bad the linking story is.  I don’t want to rush this article but there’s so little to say about this film.  Everything about it is terrible, so you’ll be seeing some repeating themes during my critique of it.

zombthology 2008 - 1

The Curse of Zombie Lake

The film’s first segment has your standard hippy kids with low moral standards set up.  Two males (idiot stoners), one tarty girl and your usual not quite as tarty but still marked for death type of girl.  They are hanging out near a lake and getting up to no good (including some unnecessary nudity and far too many stoner references) when they attract the attention of the local sheriff.

Rather than arrest them for charges that are trumped up or not, he sends them on an errand.  One that puts them right by the lake which, unsurprisingly, is inhabited by zombies.

Well…

I say zombies but these are the worst zombies you’ve ever seen on film.  There’s no real zombie make up but rather what looks like a cheap halloween costume, one that’s actually a fair bit worse than the one I wore last halloween.

Anyway, the kids are taken out one at a time leading to a show down between the least offensive of them and the sheriff who admits that every now and again he sends hapless visitors there to keep the zombies sated and away from the townsfolk.

Not that you’ll care.  Between the student film project visuals, pathetic attempts at humour and acting that is rather less believable than an Oscar Pistorius excuse, this is up there with some of the worst modern portmanteau segments we’ve seen recently.

zombthology 2008 - 7

A Slight Case of Zombism

After more unpleasant interactions between the kidnapper and Tiffany, we get to endure the film’s next story.  A Slight Case of Zombism is arguably the film’s best part, which is the absolute thinnest of praise.

This one tells the story of Ryan who is feeling a little under the weather.  His foot has been bothering him and the affliction starts to show its effect when he begins craving raw meat.

Eventually he eats his neighbour but things take an unexpected turn when he’s discovered by his girlfriend, mid-feast, and she helps him cover up the killing.  Now, if you want to see this sort of thing done well, check out the sensational Drew Barrymore comedy series ‘Santa Clarita Diet’ but if you want to see it done in a particularly piss poor fashion, stick with this instead.

Anyway, as expected, the problem gets worse and he eventually kills more people.  The film tries to throw in a few exploitative sex scenes because it wants to shock you but anyone with even a basic level of intelligence will just be disappointed.  With the film, with themselves for wasting time with it.

This story’s conclusion is mildly interesting.  I won’t spoil it (not that it’s great or anything) but yeah.  Whatever.

zombthology 2008 - 4

Stripper From B’Twixt the Graves

After more horrible interactions between Tiffany and her captor, we get to the film’s worst segment.  It explains how in the 19th century, strippers weren’t given proper burials and were instead buried between the graves of prostitutes.

Well, one of those dead strippers has risen from her grave and kills a non-dead stripper/prostitute/whatever and decides to take her next assignment, a stag do in an apartment.

Where story one had hippy kids, this has drunken men and it’s all just as poorly produced but this time is far more unpleasant.  The zombie stripper arrives at the apartment and begins seducing each man despite looking like she’s crawled out of a bin and apparently smelling worse.

Anyway, each man decides to have sex with her and none of them seem to be concerned that no one returns back to main party.  She ends up killing all of them and, much like everyone else in this film, you’re glad they are dead.

zombthology 2008 - 5The film ends back where we started.  Tiffany appears to have softened her mood towards her captor but soon gets back to her sweary self when he cuts of her finger.   Not before removing her handcuffs though and this all goes predictably wrong when she gets her revenge.  Although it all appears to be part of some larger plan as it turns out this is all part of a fourth film.  Albeit one that doesn’t have zombies in it.

Or something.  Fuck.  We don’t even care anymore.  Zombthology is straight dogshit.

zombthology 2008 - 2   zombthology 2008 - 6

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>